Saw a discussion on Reddit. It said to summarize a book of the Bible in one sentence, I did a few and just kept going… Enjoy!
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Genesis: It goes off the rails real quick.
Leviticus: Here’s how to be my people.
Numbers: More rules plus some stories.
Deuteronomy: More stories plus some rules.
Joshua: Moses won’t be around forever, so Joshua, make it bloody.
Judges: Okay, that’s a little too bloody.
Ruth: The Hebrew tribal lines are a little blurry.
1 Samuel: Samuel, the time for the judges is ending.
2 Samuel: Sam, find a king for Israel.
1 Kings: David seems like a good dude.
2 Kings: David has some problems.
1 Chronicles: Let’s retell the story of David.
2 Chronicles: Keep going with it.
Ezra: I think we need a wall?
Nehemiah: We need a wall.
Esther: Esther is gangsta.
Job: Guys, I wanna sue God.
Psalms: Shepherd songs about God.
Proverbs: Wisdom is more importanter than knowledge.
Ecclesiastes: Just live, work, and die?
Song of Songs: Let’s write some spicy poetry.
Isaiah: This current exile is actually another exodus.
Jeremiah: Y’all, I think we need a new covenant.
Lamentations: Our holy city is burning, quick, write some acrostic poems about it.
Ezekiel: Y’all, I think we need a new temple.
Daniel: Don’t forsake Yahweh, also, Antiocus Ephiphanes IV is a punk.
Hosea: Stay in love with God.
Joel: Watch out for the locusts.
Amos: I’m a farmer and even I know God hates religious hypocrites.
Obadiah: Justice, people.
Jonah: Get over your hissy fit, of course, I care about that city, there are a lotta people and lotta cows there.
Micah: No, seriously, justice matters.
Habakkuk: Stop turning away from God.
Zephaniah: God can sing?
Haggai: God has mercy.
Zechariah: I’ll be important later.
Malachi: God is coming, and it’s gonna be good.
Matthew: Jesus is like a bigger, better Moses.
Mark: Jesus is all about business.
Luke: Jesus is the embodiment of Psalm 23.
John: Jesus is the highest spiritual truth.
Acts: Here’s what the church did.
Romans: I don’t care if you are a Jew or a Gentile, God has chosen to be merciful to all.
1 Corinthians: For the love of all things holy, stop being stupid.
2 Corinthians: You’re a little better, but you still got learning to do.
Galatians: Let’s talk about the Gospel, see Romans for a more full discussion.
Ephesians: God is one, so all things will be one.
Philippians: Everyone will one day profess, openly and joyfully, without reservation, that Jesus is Lord.
Colossians: Jesus has reconciled ALL.
1 Thessalonians: Let’s get some things straight.
2 Thessalonians: Let’s get some more things straight.
1 Timothy: Yo, my boy, Timothy!
2 Timothy: Timmy, keep it up.
Titus: Live well, people.
Philemon: Slavery is stupid, treat people like they are siblings.
Hebrews: In every way, the Christ is an upgrade on what came before.
James: This reads kind of like the Sermon on the Mount.
1 Peter: The first pope drops the mic.
2 Peter: The first pope drops the mic, again.
1 John: Let’s make some absolute statements.
2 John: Stay the path.
3 John: Was this necessary?
Jude: Beware of cults.
Revelation: Don’t bother reading me unless you understand Old Testament prophetic symbolism.
